No Baggage For This Trip

As I prepare to descend into the longest trip so far in my quarter century of physical existence, I feel this compelling need to rid myself and my life of any energy, involvement or relations with anything that isn't going to enrich me in my journey (both spiritually, emotionally and whatever else-ly).

I met someone wonderful, who turned into someone not so wonderful. Someone I'm ashamed to say I even tolerated for as long as I did. Who had all the nice things in the world, but who's heart and soul were poor. As much as I would have liked to keep being optimistic (see: foolish & naïve), hoping I'd get some glimpses of who they were when I first met them, I knew that someone who lacked that much depth needed someone like themselves. I cut that tie; with enough room to get the timing right and enough time to truly get over it and move on completely. I don't hold it against them. I am me, and they are them. There are different people to suit different needs in my life, and spiritually, they didn't fit in. I still wish them all the best and hope they find someone who fulfills their wants and needs, because it won't be me.

I returned some articles of clothing to an ex-boyfriend. I spent so much time hating this person for what he did to may self esteem, my sexuality, my emotions. I felt he destroyed the fun, loving, happy person I was. But in reality, I stayed in an emotionally abusive situation trying to fix someone who was broken. As I've embarked on this mission towards working on myself, my self-love, my self-esteem and being in tune with what I need to give myself emotionally, I have naturally started to move on from that hurt. With losing who I was before, I was granted the opportunity to rebuild a new me; an ideal me. I had a couple t-shirts of his that I know mean a great deal to him. I hate to say it this way, but my ex-boyfriend is a failed(?) athlete, who now lives in the shadow of his professional athlete younger brother. These t-shirts were from his "glory days," where he was recognized as one of the best players to ever play at his university. I had boxed them up and put them away. Upon cleaning my house a few weeks ago, I went through all my clothes and found them. Without skipping a beat, I called him. I didn't feel uncomfortable or anxious. I just knew that they meant a lot to him, and that these shirts carried a great deal of emotion and memories within them. I don't want or need that energy, but I think he does. I dropped them off at his house, handed them over, and off I went. I think the encounter made him more uncomfortable than it made me, although it was his idea to meet face-to-face. He seemed to try really hard to show zero emotion, while I was my normal bubbly self just here to do something that made me feel good. I hope it at least made him feel good to receive the items and love from the place it came from. And for him to see, I don't hate you, or anyone, anymore.

My boss and I don't get along the greatest at work. We argue, we resist each other, and it causes me to have a defensive nature when I walk into work with him. I am usually very cheerful and make a lot of jokes and keep a light hearted atmosphere at work, but when it comes to him, it's like we are always at war. Without going into too much details (it's work), we finally hashed things out and voiced our disagreements in a way that allowed him to finally really listen. This brought me a lot of peace and took a huge weight off my shoulders. I was afraid while on this vacation, I may come back and just quit, or I may come back and he would have found someone else a little more impressionable than myself. I felt an unsure feeling about whether I could handle this type of stress anymore, and this open conversation gave me some assurance that although he is not vocal in his appreciation, he acknowledges it, and has agreed to try harder to fulfill that void.

There are a few people in Europe that I will be seeing from my previous trip to Madrid. There are some people who I feel will likely reach out to me when they realize I am there. However, for the past year, they have not made the effort to keep in contact with me, or when I would message, they would ignore them, or never respond. Now, I know that there are people you will cross paths with while travelling, and you create these bonds within a few days, hours even. And you have to also appreciate that these connections are only temporary and you move on, and never see them again. I am very much aware of this fact. However, for people to confess they want to see me, spend time with me, they miss me, they want x-y-z; yet for over a year, have been unable to keep in contact, the initial chemistry is lost. If you don't maintain that energy, it becomes null and void. I just don't have the time in my schedule to designate certain days to seeing people, who I know I will only talk with them that moment, and never hear from them again. I don't like empty connections. I don't like inconsistency. I work 5 days a week minimum, sometimes more. I work in a hospital setting, my job is chaos all the time; yet I am able to reach out every so often and say hi. These are also people I have let go of and made it clear that I will not be seeing them if I ever go back. And I have not even mentioned to them when I will be arriving or where I am staying.

I am going on this trip to see Me. To see more of Me. What I can handle. Who I can meet. What I can learn. What makes me happy. I don't need to fly half way across the earth to be thinking about people back home. I know how limiting it can be to think about someone else while you're trying to explore yourself. And I know how limiting it can be to have a "grey area" type relationship (I like to call them "situation-ships;" this is when you aren't in a committed relationship with someone, but you're too afraid to mess things up by "acting single," because you really like the person.) Yeah, I don't need that kind of obstruction. I also don't need to make a trip of seeing people who don't have the time to send a text. If you don't have time to text someone, I can't even fathom how you might make time to come and see them in person. These trips are for Me. If you bring something into my life, and I happen to enrich your life with something, and we vibe off each other, that's what I need. That's what my heart needs. I need no obligations and I need no expectations. This trip will only be for 4 weeks (I can't take much more than that off of work, considering I've been on 2 other vacations this year), but this is the longest I will be away in another country, and travelling around within neighboring countries. I can't do it with a cluttered mind; even for 4 weeks. I need a clear head, and a free spirit; and I need absolutely no baggage for this trip.

Diluting Bad Memories

Someone from my past had reached out to me asking me to meet to talk about something that they had done to me. Who, what, when, where, why or how, is not important; but this event has greatly impacted my life. My relationships, self esteem, memories, have all suffered in some way because of this. My childhood and teen years from the age of 9 to 21 have been mostly full of negative memories. Mostly to do with friends or relationships.

I moved when I was 9, from a place that I had amazing friends, amazing self esteem, and fitting in, to a place where I was never accepted.  The move from the very multicultural Scarborough to the very suburban and predominantly "white" community of Pickering was a culture shock. My interests were different, I was a tom boy, I didn't own any name brands or makeup, and my parents were not well off like the others.

As an adult, and mostly in the last 2 years, I have decided to take my happiness into my own hands, and be accountable for my experiences. There are always bad things that will inevitably happen, but the other 99% of the time, I am responsible. So I started out by volunteering in Costa Rica at an animal shelter. 

I have always volunteered; since the age of 11, I had volunteered at the Scarborough YMCA, fundraising and other charity work for my Youth Leadership Corp. Costa Rica was my way of traveling somewhere I have always wanted to go, and at the same time, have a purpose, and help people and animals in need. Although I had experienced a lot of anxiety there, being alone and abroad, the solitude was familiar, and I enjoyed it.

7 months later, I found myself, alone again, in Cuba. And then Valencia and Buñol, for La Tomatina; the world's largest tomato fight. Then to Madrid. Then 3 months later, Bermuda. All of this in 1 year. The year after, I kept going, visiting more and more places, and still planning to see more. 

I have never experienced joy the way I do when I take myself away from every day life. I always wished for a brand new start, over and over again. Especially in high school. I always wished I could hit reset and reappear somewhere, and start from scratch. And I get to do this when I travel. I am in a new place, and it's all mine to discover. I attract the most helpful, generous, and loving people. My open mind and open heart draw in the most serendipitous events, and because of this, I meet some pretty incredible people. Am I running from something? No. I feel like I am running towards a whole bunch of something that I didn't know was there. 

So despite all the trauma and memories I have from my past, I have decided to use this Earth to create new ones; better ones. I am on a mission to discover, give, and love all the people around the world who I meet. I needed so badly to belong as a teen, not realizing that I have my whole life to belong and make friends, and the whole world at my disposal. I am excited to create new memories for myself, and they one day will amount enough to outweigh the bad. I am to create so many happy memories, that I will dilute out the bad ones in hopes that they will be nothing more than small sediments in an ocean full of joy.

There is always an explanation as to why people are the way they are. This is mine, this is me, and this is why I do what I do. Embrace your “isms,” and own them. After you lay it all out, overcome them, and don’t let your past dictate how you live your life presently. I won’t let my anxiety or fear get the best of me. I am finally happy, and confident in who I am, and what I have to offer to those in my life. My bad experiences have made me strong, kind and empathetic. I seek to help, and never hurt people in the way I know a person can hurt. I have learned that I am smart, talented, and good enough for good things to happen to me. I am a pretty fucking awesome person, and I am happy to finally truly believe that. 

Yo Tambien

Just like that. With one last goodbye, I parted ways with him and that was the end of our year long relationship. I wasn't sure how I would cope without him, but in the turbidity of my emotions, I booked a flight out of the country. Anywhere, inexpensive, and leaving the next day was the only thing in my mind's itinerary. Anything was better than staying here.

Within 36 hours, I found myself on Guardalavaca Beach in Holguin, Cuba. I went to the city, went horse back riding into a cave, and did other fun activities to pass the time and enjoy the weather in mid-March in the Caribbean. It wasn't until the day I chose to climb up some boulders on the beach that I would meet someone who would truly show me what it felt like to live in the moment and enjoy happiness.

I spent the entire day swimming and snorkelling in the ocean. We practiced my Spanish, and he practiced his English. We ate mangoes with his family on the beach until the sun set. I asked what clubs or disco's they recommended in the city, and which were popular. I also asked what time the baseball game was the next day. They offered to have me stay the night and take me out to a club, and the baseball game in the afternoon, as they lived right by the stadium. I was hesitant, however I sensed a kindness in them, and agreed to go back to the city with them.

We made our bumpy hour long drive back to Cuidad de Holguin in an old truck covered in a large sheet of tarp. We stopped to have some dinner at a small local restaurant, and stopped at their home to drop off our things and get ready. First stop was Casa de la Musica. The crowd was very young, urban, and questionable, if I am being honest. I asked the bouncer if I could have a glance inside, and he opened the tall red doors just enough for me to see a few lights and a line up of people. The wet febril air saturated my entire body and I turned around and looked at my hosts, and shook my head "no." I was confident I would die of heat stroke in that place. Without missing a beat, his father smiled and said "okay, I know."

We walked for a few minutes; left turn, right turn, through the network of old cement buildings when we finally got to a faded brick red establishment on the corner of a sidewalk. The sign read "Salón Benny Moré." When they opened the doors for us, it was like an opening scene from a movie. The lights, the open roof, and people swinging each other around to Marc Anthony's "Yo Tambien." I was beside myself with emotions of confusion and comfort. I had no idea where I was, but it felt familiar.

I danced the night away. Sticking out like a sore thumb, I was the only tourist there who couldn't salsa to save her life. But I was happy. With every step, and every sway of my hips, my broken heart and exhausted soul was being refuelled with joy.

I lived with that family for 3 days; illegally as I later found out. But every day was something new. Watching the Holguin baseball team play at Estadio Calixto Garcia, watching Real Madrid vs Barcelona at Villa Islazur Mirador de Mayabe bar with his felly Cubans as he cheered on Ronaldo.

"Come! We go out." His father said to me on my last night.
"A dónde?" I asked.
"Grande fiesta en la calle" he answered back with a grin.

We met up with some friends and the next thing I knew I was eating chicken skewers in front of a massive grand stage. I watched traditional Cuban dancers and musicians performing for the sea of hundreds of people that came to observe and dance. Every part of me wished that I could do this every day back in Toronto. Nonetheless I enjoyed and submerged myself in the feeling. I prayed for a way to cope with my unhappiness, but I never thought it would come to me in a life lesson, in the form of song and dance. I have always been so consumed with rational thoughts and logical thinking that I never stopped to just shut up and dance. And never did I think in my attempt to run from something, I would run right
into a place that felt like home.

To me, there is something special in getting lost in the steps and rhythm of Latin music. Especially in an open roof third-world disco, on a hidden street corner. Now any time I need to remind myself that everything is okay, I put whatever anxieties and emotions aside, and let the music take me back to my time at Salón Benny Moré; where I learned to let the joy of dancing fill the void of my broken spirit.

No Tidal

Water is known to be the physical essence of your emotions, psyche, and can represent anything that can be up one minute, and down the next. I had the most awful dream, and I felt nothing but terror up until the point I finally awoke.

I was in Barcelona, walking along a grassy cliff. I have never been to Barcelona but this looked much like what I've seen photos of Ireland to look like. I was just walking along, with the ocean to my right. I saw some waves and thought "how beautiful, I've always wanted to surf and these look like perfect sized waves, maybe I should come back here." But as I kept walking, the waves got bigger, taller, closer; and suddenly it all came crashing down onto the hundreds of unsuspecting people who were enjoying their day off. And along came another one. Building up for what seemed like hours, but it took only seconds for this mile high structure to come crashing down, and without warning, scooping and pulling my fellow humans into the ocean, eating them alive. I ran as fast as I could, and with every few steps I would take, a tidal wave would come and pull me back even more; it's like no progress would ever be made, and I should just have given up and let the earth take me at it's will. Fortunately for me, I never die in my dreams. I somehow made it out and into a brick dwelling of some sort. I waited for the waves to be over and came out when it was safe. I don't remember the outcome of the people on the beach, but I remember walking down an alley alone feeling relieved to be alive.

I have read online that dreaming of violent crashing water can symbolize my emotional state of mind. And to dream that a wall of water is coming towards you can also mean that I am allowing my emotions to build without the proper release, and I could potentially be alienating myself and others from being in my life properly. And when reading about "waves," and it's symbolism, it reports that there is an overwhelming emotional issue that I have failed to address, and it needs to be acknowledged and dealt with. It also suggests that I have made a disastrous mistake in some decision making.

These reports are very vague and could apply to many situations, but it is somehow reassuring that I am currently dealing with some emotional battles, which are new to me, as I have been ignoring my emotions for some time, only allowing myself to feel the happy and positive ones. Being carried away in a tidal wave also suggests that you are ready to start a new life in a new place, and I have been thinking about that for some time now. I've always had a deep love for Spain. Madrid in particular; however, this year I will be visiting Barcelona, and maybe my heart and mind are asking me to consider this trip a test run for a big move. I don't feel like my soul belongs in Toronto anymore. My affinity towards Latin culture, food, music and the way I get butterflies when I walk between the maze of colonial style buildings in Spain are more than proof enough that I need in indulge myself in what I feel I have been longing for.

I just hope that switching to this mentality isn't the fatal error in decision making that my dream wave was telling me about.

The World is For Everyone

I am currently sitting in John F. Kennedy airport, waiting for my delayed flight to Rio de Janeiro.

When I am home in my native city of Toronto, I am always busy. If I am not working my high stress, fast paced job, I am tending to my sick animals, dating, or spending time with my friends and family. It is only right now in this moment I have had the time to sit down and write what has been on my mind for months.

Every opportunity to travel is an opportunity to bring out the side of me that I don't have time to be at home. It is a side of me that is relaxed and attentive.  I finally get to enjoy life, and experience all of the stimuli of the people, sounds, and food around me. It is then that I am gifted the time to know people, and who they are; what they care about, what they're afraid of. It is when I am afforded the time to eat not just for the reason of reversing my hypoglycemia, but to indulge my taste buds, and be gluttonous.

Any chance to be taken away from the beeping IV pumps, the shrill squeal of the dental drill, and my bosses 3 favourite words "can you help?" while handing me an animal and walking away without further instruction, I'll take it. 

A friend called me one night in January, randomly, and said "hey I know you like to travel, my friend just posted this flight to Rio De Janeiro, for $385 USD, so just a heads up." I booked that flight within 10 minutes of that phone call. I later found out it was an error fare, but nonetheless, I was to be going to Brazil in May. My anxiety took over, but anxiety mixed with excitement is a high that I crave regularly. I could, and have spent hours just looking for flights, trips, adventures that I plan to have throughout my life. It brings me such joy to know how big this world is, how many places I can go, the people I will meet. It's my way of day dreaming.

I always encourage people to get out there and discover the planet they live on, the humans they share nothing in common with initially. You will be astounded to find how much you can connect with these strangers across the globe. I find myself always ending a conversation with "oh, and go to Cuba, and leave the resort; go to Havana!" As random as that statement is, I wish more and more people had that mentality to just do it. 

We tend to go about life thinking that nobody cares about our lives or experiences, and I am no stranger to that. But to have people indulge and desire to know about my journey is the highest form of compliment to me. I urge you to create your own memories, adventures, fetes, accidental finding, mishaps, experiences, whatever you want to call them. The world is for everyone. Whatever happens, serendipity will always take over, as long as you do it with an open heart and mind. And until then, feel free to live vicariously through my keyboard ramblings, and enjoy what my world has given me.