I met someone wonderful, who turned into someone not so wonderful. Someone I'm ashamed to say I even tolerated for as long as I did. Who had all the nice things in the world, but who's heart and soul were poor. As much as I would have liked to keep being optimistic (see: foolish & naïve), hoping I'd get some glimpses of who they were when I first met them, I knew that someone who lacked that much depth needed someone like themselves. I cut that tie; with enough room to get the timing right and enough time to truly get over it and move on completely. I don't hold it against them. I am me, and they are them. There are different people to suit different needs in my life, and spiritually, they didn't fit in. I still wish them all the best and hope they find someone who fulfills their wants and needs, because it won't be me.
I returned some articles of clothing to an ex-boyfriend. I spent so much time hating this person for what he did to may self esteem, my sexuality, my emotions. I felt he destroyed the fun, loving, happy person I was. But in reality, I stayed in an emotionally abusive situation trying to fix someone who was broken. As I've embarked on this mission towards working on myself, my self-love, my self-esteem and being in tune with what I need to give myself emotionally, I have naturally started to move on from that hurt. With losing who I was before, I was granted the opportunity to rebuild a new me; an ideal me. I had a couple t-shirts of his that I know mean a great deal to him. I hate to say it this way, but my ex-boyfriend is a failed(?) athlete, who now lives in the shadow of his professional athlete younger brother. These t-shirts were from his "glory days," where he was recognized as one of the best players to ever play at his university. I had boxed them up and put them away. Upon cleaning my house a few weeks ago, I went through all my clothes and found them. Without skipping a beat, I called him. I didn't feel uncomfortable or anxious. I just knew that they meant a lot to him, and that these shirts carried a great deal of emotion and memories within them. I don't want or need that energy, but I think he does. I dropped them off at his house, handed them over, and off I went. I think the encounter made him more uncomfortable than it made me, although it was his idea to meet face-to-face. He seemed to try really hard to show zero emotion, while I was my normal bubbly self just here to do something that made me feel good. I hope it at least made him feel good to receive the items and love from the place it came from. And for him to see, I don't hate you, or anyone, anymore.
My boss and I don't get along the greatest at work. We argue, we resist each other, and it causes me to have a defensive nature when I walk into work with him. I am usually very cheerful and make a lot of jokes and keep a light hearted atmosphere at work, but when it comes to him, it's like we are always at war. Without going into too much details (it's work), we finally hashed things out and voiced our disagreements in a way that allowed him to finally really listen. This brought me a lot of peace and took a huge weight off my shoulders. I was afraid while on this vacation, I may come back and just quit, or I may come back and he would have found someone else a little more impressionable than myself. I felt an unsure feeling about whether I could handle this type of stress anymore, and this open conversation gave me some assurance that although he is not vocal in his appreciation, he acknowledges it, and has agreed to try harder to fulfill that void.
There are a few people in Europe that I will be seeing from my previous trip to Madrid. There are some people who I feel will likely reach out to me when they realize I am there. However, for the past year, they have not made the effort to keep in contact with me, or when I would message, they would ignore them, or never respond. Now, I know that there are people you will cross paths with while travelling, and you create these bonds within a few days, hours even. And you have to also appreciate that these connections are only temporary and you move on, and never see them again. I am very much aware of this fact. However, for people to confess they want to see me, spend time with me, they miss me, they want x-y-z; yet for over a year, have been unable to keep in contact, the initial chemistry is lost. If you don't maintain that energy, it becomes null and void. I just don't have the time in my schedule to designate certain days to seeing people, who I know I will only talk with them that moment, and never hear from them again. I don't like empty connections. I don't like inconsistency. I work 5 days a week minimum, sometimes more. I work in a hospital setting, my job is chaos all the time; yet I am able to reach out every so often and say hi. These are also people I have let go of and made it clear that I will not be seeing them if I ever go back. And I have not even mentioned to them when I will be arriving or where I am staying.
I am going on this trip to see Me. To see more of Me. What I can handle. Who I can meet. What I can learn. What makes me happy. I don't need to fly half way across the earth to be thinking about people back home. I know how limiting it can be to think about someone else while you're trying to explore yourself. And I know how limiting it can be to have a "grey area" type relationship (I like to call them "situation-ships;" this is when you aren't in a committed relationship with someone, but you're too afraid to mess things up by "acting single," because you really like the person.) Yeah, I don't need that kind of obstruction. I also don't need to make a trip of seeing people who don't have the time to send a text. If you don't have time to text someone, I can't even fathom how you might make time to come and see them in person. These trips are for Me. If you bring something into my life, and I happen to enrich your life with something, and we vibe off each other, that's what I need. That's what my heart needs. I need no obligations and I need no expectations. This trip will only be for 4 weeks (I can't take much more than that off of work, considering I've been on 2 other vacations this year), but this is the longest I will be away in another country, and travelling around within neighboring countries. I can't do it with a cluttered mind; even for 4 weeks. I need a clear head, and a free spirit; and I need absolutely no baggage for this trip.
No comments:
Post a Comment